I’d like to thank everyone for the support and advice! Your kindness alone made me feel better. You’ve also given me motivation to continue the fight.

Thanks. I will look in to it - sounds interesting

Oh, and you if you need a little more persuading or motivation you might want to check up on books by Sam Harris [1] and Michael A. Singer [2]. The first one is also a neuroscientist and a famous sceptic, and the second is a former programmer and a successful businessman. Personally, when I was in a similar place as you are now, I found that simply reading Singer’s book was a form of therapy.

[1] https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Spirituality-Without-Religi... [2] https://www.amazon.com/Untethered-Soul-Journey-Beyond-Yourse...

Thank you!

Thanks. Religion isn’t my cup of tea.

1. I dread that but it may be one option

3. What do you mean by system design?

5. Not in the US. Here everyone pays taxes and when you retire you get some small pension (a lot of senior people digging through dumpsters for bottles to earn extra money).

Thank you

Thanks for the links. I will look into them.

Thank you. Yeah I’ve got mortgages and kids. And you are right I do sell myself short sometimes. But on the other hand, there is a lot of young (cheaper) talent on the market that I’d have to be exceptional to get hired (or at least this is how I see it in my mind).

It’s “no” on all of them except hobbies - I do have one (but it’s fairly recent).

Thanks for this. I guess the common thread in all of that is connecting with others. I’ve always been a loner. I don’t know anyone I like spending time with. I don’t know why is that.

Ok I’d say look to do the simplest thing you can that increases your score at all, asap. You don’t need to immediately make a friend somewhere. Work on maybe the meditation question, or exercising (by walking) each day. That’s MUCH easier to start on.

Good luck. Report back if you can.

I’m sorry about your condition. Compared to that, my problems are insignificant.

I try from time to time to code something... I’ve been learning F# lately. I force myself to sit in front of computer and do something, anything.

But, somehow everything is tainted by the thought of going to “the pit” in the morning. I don’t know how to overcome that - to disconnect when I leave office.

I've been really lucky in my treatment and I'm well past my expected survivability so I'm good with the condition.

Regarding the taint you feel, that's similar to writers block. Try a different setting if you can, make sure you're enjoying yourself before you start. Then just go with it. No expectations, no harsh deadlines. You get done what you get done and you're going to have fun doing it. This is going to sound like a really odd thing to do but it really does change some things, take a few deep breaths holding them for a bit before letting them go and after that just shake the anxiety out. Shake your whole body until you feel silly. When you sit down, smile, even if it's forced and make sure your posture is not slouched. Your mind will follow your body. Then start whatever it is you want to do.