Yes, yes, no one understands how anything works. Calculus is magic, derivatives are pixie dust, gradient descent is some kind of alien technology. It's amazing hairless apes have managed to get this far w/ automated boolean algebra handed to us from our long forgotten godly ancestors, so on & so forth.
But I can tell you that statistics and parametrized functions have absolutely nothing to do with it. You're way out of your depth my friend.